Rachel Heath

Intentional Living: learning to be fully present

Facebook to Rachel: Your Biological Clock is Ticking!

Facebook is pimping me out for advertising revenue.  And they’re doing it to you, too.
My profile page and wall make absolutely no reference to babies, motherhood, or anything remotely related to babies and motherhood, nor should they.  I am not a mother, and I don’t have the natural affection for babies which is typical in women my age.
On the contrary, I’m quite uncomfortable with them- when someone hands me their baby, I hold it awkwardly a few feet in front of me wondering how long I will be in this precarious situation, and what one discusses with a baby. I am always distraught when the baby begins to wail.  While other women coo and grin at babies, I feel strangely vulnerable as they fix me with a fishy gaze.  Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have any particular grievance against babies, I’m just not baby crazy.  I tell myself it will change when I have my own someday.
But I think Facebook and the advertising conglomerates really want me to get going on the whole procreation thing.  Every time I log on, the ads on the sidebar are all about:
  • babies
  • baby products
  • pregnancy
  • motherhood
  • baby magazines, toys, and other assorted accoutrements which are apparently vital to child-rearing
  • and more babies
All the ads (with the exception of one vaguely unsettling ad with a giant Asian baby) feature smiling, chubby babies, glowing preggers women, or beaming new mothers holding their clean, not-screaming baby while their hair and makeup look fabulous. And they want my uterus to ache as I think, “I could be that happy… if only I had a baby!”
No matter how many times I tell FB to get rid of the baby ads because they are irrelevant or even offensive, they persist.  You see, my ovaries not only have reproductive power… they also have exponential purchasing power.  My ovaries are a highly sought-after target market.  My ovaries are a lucrative key demographic.  Advertisers are sure that with sufficient time and persistence, their not-so-subliminal message will hit a nerve in women of the proper age, and we will be driven, masses of us, to bear offspring and purchase pampers.  I don’t think you could ask for a warmer market, yet we are the socio-economic segment that advertisers pursue with the most vigilance.
Today, I logged on, and there on the sidebar was an ad encouraging me to “Make a Baby!”  I was vexed and mildly offended for a moment until I realized it was for an application which allows you to upload pictures of “you and your love” to see what your offspring will look like.  It might actually work if the baby in the picture wasn’t a creepy manchild with a somehow-it’s-just-not-quite-right kind of face.  Directly below it was an ad for pampers.  Groan.
Facebook is messing with me.

*Addendum: I posted this yesterday… Today, I got a letter for a special offer on National Geographic KIDS.  Et Tu, NG?


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9 thoughts on “Facebook to Rachel: Your Biological Clock is Ticking!

  1. This is an absolutely hilarious post! You always seem to come up with such a unique view of the world around you! 😀

  2. ah dear Facebook.

  3. The ads on my fb home page always include busty women. If they are planning to make money on your ovaries, than it seems they want make just as much on my testes. Bastards!!

    • Ryan Robinson on said:

      When I was single before I eventually took down my relationship status. 95% of my ads were for dating services complete with busy women in bikinis. Changing my status changed my ads after about a month. And then I just installed AdBlock anyway.

  4. Well now I am past the bearing age, and not sorry about it. BUT I would do it all over again without hesitation.

  5. FB keeps wanting me to date. If it weren't such a calculated, artificial, and sometimes painfully awkward experience I would consider it. Until it's none of the above, I'm just so happy I'm single. No more calculated introductions to ones 6-13 years older than me who still don't know what they're doing with their lives. Also, I find myself thinking of TLC's classic song "Scrubs"–"I don't want no scrubs…you live at home with your mama, oh, yes, I'm talking to you…" Seriously, men without independence and independent means older than I am? Seriously?

  6. You are so funny! I also used to feel very awkward holding babies and hanging out with toddlers. Having a baby really does change *everything*! LOL

  7. Pingback: Rachel Heath

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